Living my best life?

Well between the 14th and the 30th of September something magical happened (super excited face). If I was talking about this I think I’d be blabbing already. Gosh! Where should I start? I decided to let go of a relationship that wasn’t good for me, I was giving too much and so congratulations to me! I feel lighter now🍃.

A few days before my birthday Lorraine took me to get eyelash extensions for the first time, in my head I was supposed to feel like a Barbie doll( okay tbh I felt like a Barbie doll), the eye irritation was just too real, so I quit that after one week. I know I’m terrible I should have at least kept them for two weeks. But I couldn’t do it. The slay life doesn’t want me (I just ugly laughed at this).

Oh and on the 18th of September I turned 22✨; this wasn’t particularly my favourite birthday because I didn’t get to spend it with my friends. It was still a good one. I got a bouquet of flowers (this was probably my favourite part of the day). I had to do some introspection, I feel like it’s important; with every birthday I have to change some things in my life. So this year I decided to set my spirit free. In the most literal sense, so now my spirit goes wherever the vibes lead me. (Can I just say that was the best decision I’ve made in my life, I’m so much happier now). Oh and I stopped saving money this is slightly embarrassing but my inner spirit is such a spender, and she lives for fast food, I love this version of myself, she’s amazeballs (insert sparkles).

Oh and this is such a big deal! I’ve officially managed to connect with people from my class who aren’t my two friends. I’m honestly so proud of myself, and also there are such nice people in that class, who knew?( definitely not me).

Also I started going out more, I felt like it was important for me to meet new people, and honestly I’m doing such a going job at it (I’m totally doing this weird smile). I’ve met so many amazing people (unfortunately none of them are women, oh wait I met Ashley’s friend Sandra, she’s good people). Remember those few cousins I said I love to death? Yeah, Ashley is one of them. Her mum is my mum’s little sister.

Anyway, I met this guy, honestly I low-key macked on him😂, anyway he’s good people and guess what!! He’s a poet. Isn’t that really cool? I think it’s fucking amazing. Anyway he’s a vibe, although my antisocial side came back to life and told him I’d be fully available to connect with him in December when I’m done with exams. I mean I wasn’t lying to him or anything, I just feel like I would have managed to get to know him whilst preparing for exams, but anyway December is almost here, and he thinks my blog is awesome (I’m totally blushing now), so I fucks with him.

I reconnected with two old friends, one from my first year of college (I hadn’t realised how much I had missed him over the years, but I’m glad we’re talking again) and the other well we go way back to when I was 14 years old, our friendship has this on and off thing going on; I’m not complaining, I’m okay with this.

Do you remember my failed attempt at doing a 31 day blog challenge? Anyway, in one of my posts I wrote about how much I enjoy art and how I never got the push I needed to pursue it. Anyway, just an update, I’m doing art classes every Saturday. This honestly makes me so happy. The tutor is great! He says my work is amazing and tbh sometimes I low-key doubt him, but I still appreciate this. Oh and I might have an exhibition for all my pieces ( I’m mad excited, and I feel like this is an understatement of how I actually feel).

Oh and I met someone (and no he isn’t my new boyfriend, he’s less than a boyfriend but more than a friend). He asked me to write about him, and I said yes because well there’s something about the way he smiles (argh! why am I such a sucker for cute smiles) anyway he’s good to me, and he tells me to stop being silly so he’s cool. Anyway I’m not writing about him in this post, but definitely some other time.

I also met a Ndebele boy who wants to prove himself to be different from all the other Ndebele men in my life. Smh, I feel like this consumes a lot of his energy, but it’s fun to watch, so I’m letting this continue. Plus he’s funny, I asked him what the sexiest Ndebele word he knew was, and guess what he said?.. his name😂😂. At that point I was just like wow! Now we can’t not be friends. Although we aren’t fully friends, I mean we all know friendship is deep for me, but he could become my friend in the near future.

I feel like these are the highlights of how my life is going. I’m happy, considering I how I felt on the 14th of September. Anyway this is it for this post; I’m starting exams this Thursday, until the 3rd of December. Plus I have strep throat so my body is fighting me right now. Oh! I nearly forgot, I’m hunting for internship( this is wildly exciting for me) for the entirety of 2020 I’ll have an actual job, okay not an actual job; but I’ll have a boss and everything. Anyway I’ll write about this next time. Bye now.

Love at first sight continued..

I recently went through an emotionally stressful time, and so I finally decided to give poetry a try. I wrote this last week, during a practical when I found myself feeling angry. Just an update, I’m not as angry as I was when I wrote this. I’m actually quite happy today. Anyway, I think I did good (I’m totally doing a goofy smile right now).

Why does my life suddenly have no meaning without you?

It’s not like it made sense when I was with you, so why is this happening now?

Why now?

I suppose we once made sense together

You made sense to me,

And I made sense to you.

How did we get here?

How did I not see all the signs?

Honestly, I saw all the signs; I just chose to ignore everything. Why?

Because I cared about you,

I’d be lying if I said a part of me doesn’t still care about you.

I just think everything about you was and still is a lie, you and I were a lie

Every single part of it

Did you really have “some nerd fun”that night we first met?

Did you really think I was an amazing human being?

Did you actually see a future for yourself with me in it?

Are you really going though some mental shit?

Are you actually depressed?

That was probably a lie too.

What was actually true about you?

Did you even like me?

Or was that also part of the act?

I’m pretty sure you know how much you suck at boyfriending.

So why did you even ask me to be your girlfriend?

You could have just left me alone.

But you didn’t.

Why didn’t you leave me alone?

I hate you for not leaving me alone

I wish I could go back to the night we met,

I would have walked away from your chocolate skin and your charm

I wish I knew you’d be so full of shit.

You and I should have never been anything.

I regret having let you waste my time.

I hope you’re happy now.

Also the punctuation in this “poem” is trash, mainly because I don’t actually know how to punctuate poems. But cut a girl some slack, this was a first time thing; it definitely won’t be the last attempt.

14 September 2019

Today I woke up feeling sad. Okay I didn’t actually wake up sad, there was a build up to the sadness.

I’ve always thought I had people I could talk to on days like today; but as it turns out, I feel like I’m alone in a world full of people. Okay maybe it’s not about having people to talk to, sometimes it’s really calming to talk to a stranger about stuff that’s bothering me, so maybe that’s all I need. But also sometimes I feel like nobody is truly as empathetic as I am.

I can’t fit most of my clothes anymore. Why? Because I’ve stopped eating again, mainly because I’m stressed out and anxious all the time now. I can’t remember a time when I could spend an entire day without having my heart beating out of my chest and my legs feeling like they can’t hold me up any longer, or having the runs simply because I’ve received a text message that puts me on the edge.

The worst part is that I recently realized that specific people trigger this. While some people make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, some people just make me so anxious it’s overwhelming. Are these said people bad for me then? or am I just bad for me right now?

I mean I really want to talk about all the things on my mind, but I just haven’t felt comfortable enough to talk about this with anyone. I think this is a start though. I want to gain my weight back, I want to fit into my clothes again, I like my clothes. I don’t want to be slender, I hate every part of it. I need to stop smoking cigarettes (my newest bad habit). I don’t want to live in my head; it’s dark and lonely in there. I don’t want to feel miserable all the time, I don’t want to go through my days fighting back tears. More importantly I want to stop pretending like I’m okay. I’m really not.

Maybe this is a cry for help, I don’t quite know. I normally figure things out by myself, I’ve been doing breathing exercises, and this meditation thing that’s supposed to calm me down. Can I just say neither of the two work effectively for me. Maybe they will in the future, but they don’t work yet.

What does sex mean in this modern world?

Earlier on today I came to the rude awakening that sex in this modern world means nothing. Like absolutely nothing! We live in this world where people have sex simply for the pleasure, sometimes it’s not even mutual pleasure; it’s just about one person getting what they want out of it, then life goes on. But should it really though?

I’m currently reading a book about sexual wisdom, it’s a book that was made for Catholics; I feel like some of the information applies to everybody. I read the chapters on Pre-marital sex way too many times. The one question that is asked over and over again is “Why have sex if you aren’t willing to welcome a child into this world?” I bet there isn’t a single millennial who can answer this question.

Anyway to all those young people, and those who are “too old to not have had sex”, don’t let society pressure you into having sex. To be honest I’m one of those people who believe that sex should be more about love making and less about just fucking each other; more-so when it’s first time sex. So you know what? Wait until forever if you have to! Make the experience worth it, with somebody who respects you, somebody who is committed to you (maybe not entirely committed, but just someone who cares about you), if you’re lucky someone who loves you. There’s plenty of time to have sex, don’t feel left out if you aren’t having sex. It really cannot be that deep.

A Pause

I started a 31 day blog challenge nine days ago, I only managed to tackle the first two challenges. Okay that’s not entirely true; I had been jotting down points for each day, but a few days ago I realised that I wasn’t enjoying the challenge as much as I should be. I mean I barely know myself, for day 4 I couldn’t even come up with a list of ten things that I like to eat. At least I know what makes me happy, that should count as something…right? Anyway the bottom line is I’m not enjoying this reflection process. Mainly because I feel like nothing in my life is going the way I want it to, everything that used to make sense to me doesn’t anymore. I can’t even take photos of myself because I feel ugly and empty. I just want everything to make sense to me again, not complete sense, nothing ever does. I just want some kind of sense to come out of it. Yesterday I felt like deleting my entire blog, then I thought that maybe someone out there enjoys my posts and looks forward to them, so I didn’t do it. Then I thought about deleting some (most) of my posts, but then I remembered that I don’t want my blog to be like the average Instagram page where one deletes photos of people they once thought the world of. So in turn I’ve decided to take a break from blogging until I get my shit together.

Bye!

Day 2: 20 facts about me

For this challenge I decided to ask three different people to tell me facts about me, mainly because I was struggling to come up with 20 of them and also because I didn’t want to write things that I think people know when I could just write about things they actually know. So here goes; “20 facts about Tafara”

1. I’m independent

2. Fun loving

3. I can be “shy” sometimes

4. I’m introverted

5. Organised

6. I’m generous sometimes

7. I have good financial control

8. Mum says I’m a germ freak, I think I’m just excessively tidy

9. I’m creative

10. Fun fact: I’m left handed

11. I’m a good cook

12. Thoughtful

13. Caring

14. Ambitious

15. Bossy

16. I’m a no nonsense type of gal

17. I’m adventurous

18. I’m a conservationist

19. I’m easy going

20. I’m selectively social

Day 1: Introduction and recent photo

I recently found a 31 day blog challenge online; since today its the 1st of July, I’ll start today. I hope I’ll manage to keep up for the next three weeks. This post is a day late, oh well. Today’s challenge is “Introduction and recent photo”.

20190628_093756

Hi there, my name is Tafara Mumba. I actually have a second name, it’s Sandra; I rarely mention it because I hate it, mainly because my “friends” in high school said it was old fashioned. So now I’m just Tafara, and to some people Taf. I’m twenty-one going on twenty-two in September, when I’m not looking like a whole wife, or like somebody’s aunty, I could pass for an eighteen or nineteen year old. That’s me in the photo above, I was happy. Plus I’m trying to love my natural hair, can I just say this business of looking like a cave woman half the time is really hard to love. Smh, but I’m really trying.

I’m the middle child in a family of three, I have two sisters Lorraine (25) and Natasha (14). I feel like I should write more about my sisters, but I think this introduction is supposed to be about me. Hmm anyway one last thing, I’m my parents’ favourite child! I’m joking, I just tell myself that to make my life as a middle child easier.

I’m highly organised, and when I say “highly” I really mean highly! Sometimes when my parents are away Lorraine says “it’s like the order never left”, and so I’m low-key controlling because I like order.

I have two left feet, and this is me sugar coating the fact that I cannot dance for shit. I seriously lack rhythm, sometimes my clapping is off tune. Oh and did I mention that I can’t sing either? I still sing in the shower though.

I’m crazy about environmental issues. GLOBAL WARMING IS REAL AND IT’S AFFECTING ALL OF US! I always wanted to be an ecologist, last year before selecting my major I applied for this volunteering programme with WildlifeACT, I was accepted (the happiest day of my life). At the beginning of this year I settled for Microbiology and Genetics as my major, so goodbye WildlifeACT (one of the saddest days of my life).

I love art! Mainly visual arts like drawing, painting, sculpting, photography and ceramics. I’m only really good at painting, and photography, I used to draw, but I needed a push for me to continue, I never got that push. I’m also interested in literature; prose and poetry. Unfortunately I can’t write poetry, okay to be honest I haven’t tried yet.

I’m a flower lover, I love all kinds of flowers; except roses, I feel like they lack personality. In my free time I plant flowers in the garden, sometimes they grow, sometimes I forget about them. I planted Marigolds last year, when they blossomed I was beyond happy.

I live for summer colours, and cool prints. Like you can never go wrong with yellow and orange. I recently started spray painting things, who knew it would be so fun? I didn’t.

Before I conclude, I feel like it’s important that I mention that I’m health conscious, I drink a lot of water, but I don’t always mind my own business and I’m allergic to wheat, but I live for cereals, so its a mess! Oh and in my free time I eat junk food (this was funny in my head).